Mean Mommy

So the other week, someone told me I was a "mean mommy," and I vented about it on facebook.  Here's what's been happening since then...

First of all, I'd like to say that it was wrong of me to call out the specific person who made the comment.  I specified the individual because I thought it was an important detail in the story - I thought it made more sense why it was so hurtful when it was clarified who made the comment as opposed to being a random stranger somewhere.  But I was wrong.  And I'm sorry.

Ok next, I feel like I need to explain why I posted that in the first place.  I wasn't trying to complain - I was trying to vent a frustration.  Someone said something that hit a nerve and hurt my feelings deeply.  And all I could do about it was to go to work.  All I wanted was for a hug and someone to reassure me that I'm NOT actually a mean mommy.  And I was mad.  I was mad that someone who should have been in my corner was not.  And I was scared.  I was scared that I was messing up at everything and my daughter was going to be ruined by it.  You know, all those normal mom emotions that you go through on a regular basis.  So I went onto facebook and just got my feelings out.  Some people may say that facebook isn't an appropriate place to do that, but I kind of tend to disagree.  

You see, social media is a tricky beast.  It's like the force - it can be used for evil or for good.  You see it all the time.  My pastor has even preached about the dangers of social media in the hands of young people who are not properly equipped to handle that kind of far-reaching power.  And yet.  There is such a tremendous potential for good.  You've seen it on a large scale with "Prayers for so-and-so" pages or pages to raise money and support for families who have lost everything in any number of different tragedies.  These are times when the world rises up in support - sometimes around total strangers - and at least for a little while, restores a little faith in humanity.  Now please don't get me wrong - I am NOT comparing myself to the people who desperately need prayers or financial support because of tragedies in their lives.  I'm just saying that they are evidence as to how the power of social media can be put to good use on a very large scale.

What I think I'm trying to say is that I wasn't trying to complain, I was looking for support.  The kind of support that comes from other people who have been in these shoes of a mother of a precocious toddler and felt the fear and frustration that go along with that.  My facebook friends list is filled (mostly) with people who I actually consider to be friends and entirely with people that I know in real life.  When I post something, you can be assured that it is definitely something that I would say out loud.  I'm not any different online than I am in real life.  Facebook is like a big, digital reunion.  If we ever all found ourselves in the same room together, I'd still talk about my daughter a lot, both the good things and the frustrating things.  I'd talk about the wonderful things that my husband has done for me recently and also some of the ways that he drives me bonkers.  I'd tell you about the interesting things that happen at work and the fun things that we're going to do at church and I'd share some funny pictures and videos and quotes to make you think.  Anyway, my point is, that when something happens to bother me, I turn to my friends.  Just like pretty much everyone does.  It just so happens that most of my friends live in my computer.

And you know what happened?  It worked.  I was sad and frustrated and went to my friends and they totally delivered.  They reassured me, they commiserated with me, they encouraged me, they joked with me.  They did everything that you would hope friend would do.  And for that, I thank you.  Your support really did help me get through that day and you brought a smile to my face when all I wanted to do was cry.

But there was one friend who pushed me a little farther and saw a little deeper into my negativity.  We talked on the phone later that week and I had another good cry.  And, while not 100% of what she said was accurate to how I was really feeling, she did make me think.  A lot.  About my heart and my attitude in general.  And how I've just been feeling so worn out and emotionally tired lately.  It was a good talk.  She knows who she is and I hope she knows how grateful I am for her friendship and care.

So I've been thinking about this and God decided to get involved too.  Yesterday before church, someone said something hurtful to me again.  They didn't mean to be hurtful, but their comment really stung and stuck with me the whole morning.  They even apologized when they realized my feelings were hurt, and I laughed it off, but the pain didn't go away.  A lot of people said some very nice things to me yesterday (I sang a solo during the choir number), but on the way home, all I could think about was that hurtful comment.  And then I read this quote on my twitter... 

"If God forgives us, then we should forgive ourselves.  Otherwise, it is almost like we 

have set up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." 

(@CSLewisDaily)

That really stuck out to me.  I don't know if I've thought about it like that before.  So I retweeted it and put it up on my white board at work.  And then today I kept thinking about it (after really wanting to go on facebook and vent about this latest hurtful comment) and realized that it goes deeper than just that.  God doesn't just forgive me, he also forgives the people who hurt me.  If someone said something hurtful to my child, I would be furious.  Is that how God feels when someone hurts my feelings?  I would imagine so.  And yet He forgives them.  So why shouldn't I?  Why keep holding onto those hurtful words when He's already let them go.  If He doesn't hold that grudge, then why do I think I have a right to?  There's such a freedom in that thought.  It's not going to be easy to put into practice, but I think realization is the first step.

And then Ellie and I got home and I put her down for her nap (not without a fight, which left me feeling weary again) and I got to work on the next book reviews for Zondervan.  I sat down and cracked open a new devotional by Ann Voskamp (don't worry, the review will be coming soon) and the devotion that the book fell open to said this...

"Unless we make it a habit to give thanks, we habitually give our family grief.  

Unless we consistently speak praise, we consistently speak poison.  

Unless we are intentional about giving God glory throughout the day, 

our days unintentionally give way to grumbling." 

(One Thousand Gifts Devotional, pg. 133)

Aaaaaand that one hit me like a ton of bricks.  That's the second part of the problem I've been having.  When you give it an inch, the poison of negativity will take a mile.  You cannot let it in.  No matter what.  

"People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue.  It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison.  Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.  And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.  Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

(James 3:7-10, NLT)

So that's challenge number two for me today.  Two in one day.  That's a lot.  Gee thanks, God.  

Anyway.  All that to say that these are things that I'm going to be working on.  And I'm telling you, because I still think of social media as a giant support system.  And I'm hoping you'll help me stick to it.