Almost-4 Months Update

So after my ranting the other day, I realized that I haven't given you an honest-to-goodness update in quite a while.  So here we go ...

Ellie is going to be turning 4 months old soon, and she is changing so much every day!  After our Easter fun, we celebrated her dedication at church on April 14th.  In case you're not familiar with it, our denomination doesn't do infant baptism.  We believe that a person should make their own decision to be baptized.  Instead, we do a dedication, where the parents and the congregation take vows to raise the child in the church and to help them grow spiritually.  It's kind of a big deal.  So my parents and my sister came down for the day and I bought a new dress for myself and made Andy wear his nice shoes.

It was a beautiful service!  Ellie was very well behaved and didn't even spit up on herself or the pastor or ANYONE!  I was so proud.  After church and before bell choir practice, we squeezed in a few family photos to commemorate the occasion...

Grandpa, Mommy, Daddy, & Me

Daddy, Mommy, Grandma, Pappy, & Me

Auntie, Mommy, Daddy, & Me

Then we went out to lunch, which was so-so.  The food was GREAT, but there was an obnoxiously loud high school girls' soccer team at the table next to us.  Ugh.  Evidently everything was HI-larious, except for when Ellie would scream (because she was just TRYING to take a nap) and then we'd get dirty looks.  Darn kids.  Wow, I'm old.

I hereby apologize to all the moms that I irritated with my similar behavior in high school.  I had no idea.  I'm so sorry.

Then mom and sis and I did some shopping at our favorite thrift store (yay for new sneakers and a jacket that fits over my pudgy post-baby arms!) and then headed back to my house.  Everyone took turns reading with Ellie while she was in a good enough mood to tolerate it...

Auntie's going to be a writer someday - maybe she will write me a book?!

OH that crazy Petunia!  She's such a silly goose!

And then all the company had to leave and go back to their own corners of the state.  I wish everyone just lived here so we wouldn't have to make it such a big deal to get together.  OK, I really shouldn't complain because they are, at most, only an hour and a half away.  But still.  I wish they were closer.  Like right down the road.  Maybe someday...

Anyway, we have had some SUPER nice weather here lately and all of our flowers have bloomed!  It's our first spring in this house, so we weren't sure what to expect to pop up in the flower beds.  Boy were we surprised!  Here's a little tour...

The front of the house with the BEAUTIFUL cherry trees!

Cherry Tree

Closeup of Cherry Blossoms

Maple Tree next to the garage (and the POOL in the background!!)

Flower bed with the wishing well - a storm last weekend knocked all my flowers over :-(

Bleeding hearts in the wishing well flower bed

Daffodils and Purple Hyacinth by the wishing well.  LOVE Purple Hyacinth!

And that's that!  There are hostas on the other side of the house which will bloom later in the summer and daisy mums everywhere that will bloom this fall.  The previous homeowners didn't do a lot with the inside of the house, but they certainly took pride in the outside!  

We also bought Ellie a new toy this week.  She had not been making any progress toward reaching, grabbing, or even being interested in toys.  So I took the toy bar off of her pack 'n play and rigged it up over her changing table so she could actually reach the toys.  It was a total hit!  She loved it!  But I couldn't just leave it there like that.  So we invested in a toy gym with a piano at the bottom for her to kick.  Girl can kick.  Seriously, it can hurt.  The piano part flips up so that she can sit at it and play when she is older and can sit on her own.  Anyway, the day that it was delivered, I put it right together and let her play it.  She LOVES it! I'm hoping that it's strong enough to withstand all of her kicking because she just goes nuts on it.  There's a mirror that hangs down and she loves looking at herself and making faces.  Sometimes she will start to fuss and we think that she's getting tired of playing, but when we go to pick her up, she smiles at the fussy face she was making.  Crazy kid.  And she's discovered her tongue.  It is ALWAYS sticking out now.  And on Sunday evening, she was sticking out her tongue at herself in the mirror and let out a giggle.  We've heard some almost-giggles already, but this was an honest-to-goodness giggle.  It sounded like the fake ones that you hear on tv commercials.  But it honestly came out of her face!  And now she giggles pretty regularly.  It's pretty fun.  Although Andy can get downright annoying with the noises he makes trying to get her to do it.

So anyway, all that to say that sometimes, she will play so hard with this toy, that she just falls asleep.  Right there on the floor.  The kid who refuses to sleep unless she's being held.  I'm not complaining at all.  It just surprises me!  

I played myself out!

Ellie also had her two trial days at Sarah's house for babysitting this past week.  She did great!  According to Sarah, she didn't even really cry all that much and she napped in the swing!  When I picked her up, she was smiling and giggling at Sarah and the other girls.  So I officially accepted the job!  I'm going to be the new secretary at our church.  Not terribly glamorous, but a nice work environment with a lot of flexibility.  I think it'll be good.  I'm going in tomorrow to start 'training' and then I officially start on Wednesday next week!

And that's pretty much our update!  Ellie goes in for her 4 month check-up on May 6th, so after that we'll have an update on how much she weighs now.  My guess is a lot.  People still comment on how small she is, but to me she seems huge!  I guess it's just all perspective.  One last picture before we go, and it's one of my recent favorites.  I splurged and bought these adorable little sunglasses at Carter's the last time I was there.  One day the other week, it was over 80 degrees outside (and inside), so we went outside to try them out.  The result?  Cuteness overload!

Just soakin' up some rays with Dad!

Good Enough?

So, the interview went well and I was offered the job!  I still haven't officially accepted it, though.  Turns out that my information was wrong and the hours are 9-1 every day of the week.  That's a lot more than we had anticipated.  On one hand, that means bigger paychecks than we had anticipated.  On the other hand, that means time away from my girl every morning.  So, we've been doing a lot of deliberating on the subject.

The first step was to find someone who could watch her that much.  Andy's cousin-in-law graciously offered to give it a try.  She has a little girl who is 4 months older than Ellie and she also watches another little girl the same age.  They must be pretty mellow babies, and she must be pretty talented to manage just the two of them, let alone a third.  I know I would never be able to handle it!  So this morning, I drove across town and dropped Ellie off for a trial day.

All packed up and ready to go to Sarah's!

Not gonna lie, I was a little bit nervous.  Who wouldn't be?  I've never left her alone with anyone other than Andy or his dad.  And I was nervous enough doing that!  But Sarah is a great mom and she's up to date on all the current baby 'stuff'.  You know, the rules about this and that.  So a quick kiss good-bye and I was headed back home.  I decided to spend the day here, just in case something happened and I needed to go pick her up.  Andy instructed me to just relax and enjoy the little break today.

And can I tell you a secret?  I did.  It was kind of nice.  The first thing I did was take a nap.  It wasn't long, but it was glorious.  Then I thought I'd be responsible and make a few calls.  Check.  Well, what's next?  Sit down, watch some SVU (current guilty pleasure show).  Go outside and take pictures of our pretty flowers. Oh, write a few blog posts!  Maybe upload and edit some pictures while I'm at it!  I got to eat lunch whenever I wanted and didn't have to worry that Ellie would start fussing right in the middle and not let me finish eating.  I actually set the alarm on my phone to remind me to go pick her up!

Am I a bad mom?  No, I don't think so.  I think everyone needs some time off once in a while.  Just like how every so often, I need to go out with my mom and my sister and leave Andy at home because I just need a BREAK from him.  I love him to bits and pieces, but it's nice to have a break sometimes.  Same way with Ellie.  I love the crap out of that baby.  But it is nice to have a little break from her.  Honestly, I think it will make me want to snuggle and play with her more when she gets home.  I am absolutely certain that after a few days of this, I will miss her terribly and it will be more difficult to drop her off.  But it will make the time I spend at home with her that much sweeter.  Days at home with her have started feeling more and more like a chore and I hate that.  I HATE feeling like feeding or changing my daughter is an inconvenient chore.  But that's how it was honestly starting to feel to me.  Hence, I needed a little break!

Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.  They always say how hard it is, but I never could have imagined.  As I've already said, I love my daughter more than anything.  But, at least at this phase, staying home with her full-time is wearing me out.  And since I have the opportunity to work a little bit and help our family financially, I think I have to take it.  As long as everyone else can handle the babysitting setup, I think I can, too.  We can do this.

I don't know if it was always this way, but this is what I'm noticing now: there is so much pressure put on moms today.  By other moms.  People don't usually say it outright, but somehow they make you feel like you're messing it up.  I can't even put my finger on any one person who has said or done anything to make me feel like that, so please don't think it was you!  I think it's everything that I read on the internet, honestly.  Maybe I should just stop reading?  Anyway... there's so much pressure to do it THE right way.  As if there is just one right way!  Working moms will tell you that it's good to do what they are doing and contribute to the family.  Stay at home moms will tell you they are so thankful that they can stay at home and they wouldn't have it any other way.  Breastfeeding moms will say that it is a magical experience that they wouldn't give up.  Formula-feeding moms will say that there are 962 reasons that they made that choice and their babies aren't any worse off.  Some moms use this method and swear by it, other moms say it will damage your baby and you should use this other method instead.  There's just so much PRESSURE to do it RIGHT or your kid will be MESSED UP!  It makes this whole thing so scary.  What if I do it wrong?  What if I scar my kid for life because I went back to work?  What if I throw her nutrition down the drain to supplement with formula because it would just be easier?  What if she grows up and wishes that I had been around more to play with her?  What if I don't work and we can't afford to take her to the zoo and she misses out on those experiences?

Well, I've decided that I can't do it right.  I can't.  I can try my hardest and hope for the best.  That's it.  And I can pray.  I can pray that she will grow up healthy and happy and know how much her dad and I love her. That's pretty much it.  Everything else, I'm done worrying with.  My mom worked when I was little, and I turned out just fine.  Andy grew up drinking formula (because his dad stayed home with him), and he is one of the more intelligent (and healthy!) people that I know.  We're both perfectly well-adjusted adults who have great relationships with our parents.  Nothing that they did damaged us.  (Except the time that my mom held me down and forced me to eat a candied walnut, but that's a story for another time, haha!)  They did the same thing their parents did.  They made sure we were fed, clothed, physically safe, and loved.  And everything else fell into place.  So that's my new parenting method.  I'm writing my own book.  We're going to do what works for us to make sure that Ellie grows up with a full belly, clothes to wear, a safe place to live and play, and knows that she is loved miles and miles forever.  And she will be fine.  NO, she will be great.  We all will be.  And we will be much happier in the meantime because I refuse to let these worries and fears and unreasonable expectations stress me out and rob me of the joy that is mothering my baby.  End of discussion.

So I will probably be going to work, instead of being a stay-at-home mom like I had planned.  We will probably be supplementing with some formula, instead of exclusively breast-feeding like we had planned.  Plans change.  What doesn't change is the fact that I love my daughter, I always will, and she is going to know it.

I'm doing the best I can, goshdarnit.  And, God willing, that's good enough.

Mommy says I light up her life.  She makes me smile, too!

A New Adventure for Momma??

Time for some more advice, momma friends!

Andy and I have been discussing the possibility of me finding a part-time job, just to help contribute more financially to the family.  We both love the fact that I'm staying home with Ellie, but right now we could really use the extra income.  Well I am NOT going back to retail, but other part-time positions don't come around all that often.  So we were basically in the 'we'll keep an eye out for something' phase.  Well, we found it.

I am interviewing on Thursday for a part-time position that I think I would really like.  It would have regular hours and only keep me out of the house for half-days, a few days a week.  So I would still get to spend a LOT of time at home with Ellie.  AND I would still be able to teach my lessons.  It's not the type of job that comes open very often, so that's why I'm pursuing it now, even though I wish Ellie was a little bit older.  We're pretty sure that I'm going to get it, too.

So here's my question: what in the world should I do about child care and how do I go about finding that?!  Ellie seems to be pretty needy - she doesn't like to be put down, won't nap in a crib, etc. - so I'm not sure that a daycare would work for her.  Heck, I'm pretty sure they would take her for one day and then tell me not to come back!  But I'm not sure how to go about finding an in-home babysitter that I could actually trust.  We have some people at church that we are thinking about asking to watch her, but we need to have a backup plan in case they can't do it/won't do it/turn me away after one day with Miss MoodyPants.  

So, what's your advice on going 'back' to work?  I've never done this before, so I could really use your help!

(and because no post is complete without one, here's a picture of my big kitchen helper!)

Mom, how did you ever cook dinner without me here to talk you through it?!