Good Enough?

So, the interview went well and I was offered the job!  I still haven't officially accepted it, though.  Turns out that my information was wrong and the hours are 9-1 every day of the week.  That's a lot more than we had anticipated.  On one hand, that means bigger paychecks than we had anticipated.  On the other hand, that means time away from my girl every morning.  So, we've been doing a lot of deliberating on the subject.

The first step was to find someone who could watch her that much.  Andy's cousin-in-law graciously offered to give it a try.  She has a little girl who is 4 months older than Ellie and she also watches another little girl the same age.  They must be pretty mellow babies, and she must be pretty talented to manage just the two of them, let alone a third.  I know I would never be able to handle it!  So this morning, I drove across town and dropped Ellie off for a trial day.

All packed up and ready to go to Sarah's!

Not gonna lie, I was a little bit nervous.  Who wouldn't be?  I've never left her alone with anyone other than Andy or his dad.  And I was nervous enough doing that!  But Sarah is a great mom and she's up to date on all the current baby 'stuff'.  You know, the rules about this and that.  So a quick kiss good-bye and I was headed back home.  I decided to spend the day here, just in case something happened and I needed to go pick her up.  Andy instructed me to just relax and enjoy the little break today.

And can I tell you a secret?  I did.  It was kind of nice.  The first thing I did was take a nap.  It wasn't long, but it was glorious.  Then I thought I'd be responsible and make a few calls.  Check.  Well, what's next?  Sit down, watch some SVU (current guilty pleasure show).  Go outside and take pictures of our pretty flowers. Oh, write a few blog posts!  Maybe upload and edit some pictures while I'm at it!  I got to eat lunch whenever I wanted and didn't have to worry that Ellie would start fussing right in the middle and not let me finish eating.  I actually set the alarm on my phone to remind me to go pick her up!

Am I a bad mom?  No, I don't think so.  I think everyone needs some time off once in a while.  Just like how every so often, I need to go out with my mom and my sister and leave Andy at home because I just need a BREAK from him.  I love him to bits and pieces, but it's nice to have a break sometimes.  Same way with Ellie.  I love the crap out of that baby.  But it is nice to have a little break from her.  Honestly, I think it will make me want to snuggle and play with her more when she gets home.  I am absolutely certain that after a few days of this, I will miss her terribly and it will be more difficult to drop her off.  But it will make the time I spend at home with her that much sweeter.  Days at home with her have started feeling more and more like a chore and I hate that.  I HATE feeling like feeding or changing my daughter is an inconvenient chore.  But that's how it was honestly starting to feel to me.  Hence, I needed a little break!

Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.  They always say how hard it is, but I never could have imagined.  As I've already said, I love my daughter more than anything.  But, at least at this phase, staying home with her full-time is wearing me out.  And since I have the opportunity to work a little bit and help our family financially, I think I have to take it.  As long as everyone else can handle the babysitting setup, I think I can, too.  We can do this.

I don't know if it was always this way, but this is what I'm noticing now: there is so much pressure put on moms today.  By other moms.  People don't usually say it outright, but somehow they make you feel like you're messing it up.  I can't even put my finger on any one person who has said or done anything to make me feel like that, so please don't think it was you!  I think it's everything that I read on the internet, honestly.  Maybe I should just stop reading?  Anyway... there's so much pressure to do it THE right way.  As if there is just one right way!  Working moms will tell you that it's good to do what they are doing and contribute to the family.  Stay at home moms will tell you they are so thankful that they can stay at home and they wouldn't have it any other way.  Breastfeeding moms will say that it is a magical experience that they wouldn't give up.  Formula-feeding moms will say that there are 962 reasons that they made that choice and their babies aren't any worse off.  Some moms use this method and swear by it, other moms say it will damage your baby and you should use this other method instead.  There's just so much PRESSURE to do it RIGHT or your kid will be MESSED UP!  It makes this whole thing so scary.  What if I do it wrong?  What if I scar my kid for life because I went back to work?  What if I throw her nutrition down the drain to supplement with formula because it would just be easier?  What if she grows up and wishes that I had been around more to play with her?  What if I don't work and we can't afford to take her to the zoo and she misses out on those experiences?

Well, I've decided that I can't do it right.  I can't.  I can try my hardest and hope for the best.  That's it.  And I can pray.  I can pray that she will grow up healthy and happy and know how much her dad and I love her. That's pretty much it.  Everything else, I'm done worrying with.  My mom worked when I was little, and I turned out just fine.  Andy grew up drinking formula (because his dad stayed home with him), and he is one of the more intelligent (and healthy!) people that I know.  We're both perfectly well-adjusted adults who have great relationships with our parents.  Nothing that they did damaged us.  (Except the time that my mom held me down and forced me to eat a candied walnut, but that's a story for another time, haha!)  They did the same thing their parents did.  They made sure we were fed, clothed, physically safe, and loved.  And everything else fell into place.  So that's my new parenting method.  I'm writing my own book.  We're going to do what works for us to make sure that Ellie grows up with a full belly, clothes to wear, a safe place to live and play, and knows that she is loved miles and miles forever.  And she will be fine.  NO, she will be great.  We all will be.  And we will be much happier in the meantime because I refuse to let these worries and fears and unreasonable expectations stress me out and rob me of the joy that is mothering my baby.  End of discussion.

So I will probably be going to work, instead of being a stay-at-home mom like I had planned.  We will probably be supplementing with some formula, instead of exclusively breast-feeding like we had planned.  Plans change.  What doesn't change is the fact that I love my daughter, I always will, and she is going to know it.

I'm doing the best I can, goshdarnit.  And, God willing, that's good enough.

Mommy says I light up her life.  She makes me smile, too!